Don’t Feed the Feedback Monsters

There are some conversations at work that we’d all rather avoid.

The conversation about someone’s performance. The conversation about their behaviour. The conversation where you need to tell someone that something isn’t working, or that something needs to change.

You prepare carefully. You think about what you want to say. You gather your examples. You might even rehearse the opening line in your head on the drive to work.

And then you sit down opposite them.

“Thanks for making the time. I wanted to talk about…”

And that’s when the monster appears.

Not an actual monster, of course. But a reaction you weren’t quite prepared for. Because the difficult part of giving feedback isn’t always knowing what to say. Sometimes it’s knowing what to do when the person sitting opposite you responds in a way you didn’t expect.

And sometimes, it’s the fear of that reaction that stops us having the conversation in the first place. We imagine the anger, the tears or the awkward silence, and decide it might be easier not to say anything at all.

But avoiding feedback doesn’t make the issue disappear. The good news? You don’t need to predict the reaction. You just need to be ready for it. Here are a few of the feedback monsters you might meet and how to make sure you don’t accidentally feed them.

The Ghost: The One Who Says Nothing

You’ve said your piece.

You look across the table.

Nothing.

They don’t argue. They don’t ask questions. They don’t even seem particularly upset.

Just silence.

So you do what most of us instinctively do when faced with silence: you fill it.

“I don’t know if that makes sense?”

Silence.

“I mean, it’s not that bad…”

Silence.

“Maybe I haven’t explained it very well.”

Before you know it, the feedback you carefully prepared has become a long, rambling explanation where you’re effectively talking yourself out of having the conversation.

Don’t feed the Ghost.

Silence can feel uncomfortable, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. They might be processing what you’ve said. They might be surprised. They might need a moment to work out how they feel. Let the silence happen.

Ask an open question: “What are you thinking?” Then wait.

The temptation is to rescue someone from an uncomfortable moment. But sometimes giving someone the space to process is more helpful than giving them another five minutes of explanation.

You don’t need to fill every silence.

The Werewolf: The One Who Gets Defensive or Diverts

You mention the issue and suddenly the conversation changes.

Their body language shifts. Their voice gets louder.

“That’s completely unfair.”

“Why are you making this such a big deal?”

“You never say anything when other people do it.”

Or perhaps they don’t get angry at all. Instead, the conversation starts heading in a completely different direction. Suddenly, you’re hearing about their workload, a colleague who annoyed them three months ago, or something someone else supposedly gets away with.

Different reactions, but the same result: you’re no longer talking about the original feedback.

You’re defending your decision to give it, or chasing a series of other issues until you’ve forgotten why you called the meeting in the first place.

This is where it’s very easy to become a Werewolf yourself. You raise your voice. They raise theirs. You become defensive, and they become more defensive. Or you get pulled into every new topic, losing sight of the conversation you actually need to have.

Don’t feed the Werewolf.

Their anger or deflection doesn’t mean you need to react in kind. Stay calm. Listen. Acknowledge what they’re feeling without necessarily agreeing with everything they’re saying.

“I can see you’re frustrated, and I want to understand why. But I do think it’s important that we talk about what happened.”

If there is something legitimate in their response, hear it. You might have missed context. You might have got something wrong. Equally, if they raise another issue, acknowledge it without letting it take over.

“I think that’s worth discussing, and I don’t want to dismiss it. But let’s finish talking about this first, then we can come back to it.”

You can remain open to what someone has to say without abandoning the conversation simply because the reaction is uncomfortable. Your job isn’t to win. It’s to keep the conversation constructive.

Frankenstein: The One Who Is Completely Confused

Frankenstein is different.

They’re not angry. They’re not defensive.

They’re genuinely surprised.

“Really? I didn’t realise there was a problem.”

“I thought I was doing well.”

“Nobody’s ever told me that before.”

And this can be an uncomfortable moment for the person giving the feedback.

Because if they genuinely didn’t know, you might start questioning whether the problem is really theirs.

But don’t immediately retreat. 

Don’t feed Frankenstein.

Instead, get curious.

What exactly didn’t they understand? Have expectations been clear? Have they received feedback before? Can you give a specific example? Rather than saying, “Your communication needs to improve,” explain what that actually looks like.

“In the last two client meetings, you interrupted several times while the client was answering questions. It made it difficult for them to finish their points.”

Now you’ve given them something they can actually work with. And sometimes Frankenstein teaches the person giving the feedback something important too: if someone is genuinely surprised by the feedback, perhaps the feedback should have happened sooner.

The Clown: The One Who Laughs It Off

You raise the issue.

They laugh.

“Yep, that’s probably fair!”

Then they make a joke.

Everyone laughs.

And for a moment, the tension disappears.

It can actually feel like a relief. Maybe this won’t be difficult after all.

But then you realise you’re ten minutes into the conversation and you still haven’t actually addressed the problem.

The Clown uses humour to move the conversation somewhere more comfortable. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Humour can be a perfectly normal way of dealing with an uncomfortable situation. But if you let it take over, you’ve lost the purpose of the conversation.

Don’t feed the Clown.

You don’t need to become humourless. You can acknowledge the joke and then bring the conversation back.

“I know we’re making light of it, but I do want to make sure we actually talk about what’s happening here.”

The aim isn’t to remove all discomfort from the conversation. Sometimes the discomfort is the conversation.

The Banshee: The One Who Cries

This is the one many people dread.

You deliver the feedback.

Their face changes.

And then come the tears.

Suddenly, everything you’ve prepared disappears from your head.

“Oh no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

You start reassuring them.

“It’s okay. Honestly, don’t worry about it.”

And before you know it, the feedback has vanished completely.

But here’s the important distinction.

Someone being upset doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. They might be embarrassed. They might be overwhelmed. They might have had a difficult day. They might care deeply about their work and be disappointed in themselves. Or perhaps the feedback has genuinely hit a nerve.

Don’t feed the Banshee.

“We can pause for a minute. There’s no rush.”

Show empathy without immediately taking back what you’ve said. You can care about how someone feels while still being honest about what needs to change.

Empathy doesn’t mean avoiding accountability.

The Vampire: The One Who Sucks the Energy Out of the Room

And finally, there’s the Vampire.

They don’t shout. They don’t cry. They don’t argue.

They simply drain the life out of the conversation.

“There’s no point.”

“Nothing ever changes.”

“Why bother?”

“That’s just how things are here.”

This can be particularly difficult because their response can make you feel as though you’re responsible for fixing everything. But don’t get pulled into an endless cycle of negativity. Listen for what’s underneath it. Is there a genuine barrier? Do they feel they’ve tried before? Is there something you need to address? If there is, deal with it.

Don’t feed the Vampire.

But if the conversation becomes a list of reasons why nothing can ever change, bring it back to what is within their control.

“I hear that you’re frustrated. Let’s focus on what we can actually do differently from here.” Don’t let their hopelessness become yours.

So, how do you prepare for the monsters?

The important thing to remember is that these aren’t types of people; they’re reactions.

The person who becomes a Werewolf in one conversation might be a Ghost in another. The Clown might cry next time. Frankenstein might become a Werewolf when the feedback is about something they care deeply about.

That’s why trying to predict exactly how someone will react isn’t particularly helpful. In fact, worrying about whether someone will get angry, cry, go quiet or become defensive can stop us giving the feedback in the first place.

Instead, prepare yourself for the possibilities.

Know what you need to say. Have specific examples. Be clear about the impact of the behaviour. Know what needs to happen next. And then, when the reaction comes, don’t let it dictate the conversation. 

You can’t control whether someone gets angry. 

You can’t control whether they cry. 

You can’t control whether they go quiet. 

But you can control what you do next.

Give them time. If someone is overwhelmed, angry or defensive, acknowledge their reaction and suggest getting back together in 24 hours to talk it through again. You don’t have to force a resolution in the moment. Time can help people reflect, process what they’ve heard and rationalise their response. They may come back with a clearer perspective and be better placed to have a constructive conversation.

The real skill in giving feedback isn’t delivering the perfect speech; it’s staying present when the conversation doesn’t go according to plan.

So don’t be scared of the monsters.

Don’t try to predict which one you’ll meet.

And, whatever you do, don’t feed them (especially after midnight).